hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I puked a lego.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
