i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
