Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
