we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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