going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
