Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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