If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
