Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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