do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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