Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize