if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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