things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
