Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
