is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
