i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
