she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
