We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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