my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
