I molested 6 butterflies tonight
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
