your thong is hanging out like whoa
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize