My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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