You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
