he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
