why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
