dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
