Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
