seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
