I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
