Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
