hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
