My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need water and some morals
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
