you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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