I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
