I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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