Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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