i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
