Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
