Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
