"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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