Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
