If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
