We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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