I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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