Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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