Your dad touched me again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
