Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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