we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
