I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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