I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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