I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
