just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
