Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh god it's open bar.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
