I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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