My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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