So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
