I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
