Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
