You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You took a bar mat shot.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
