Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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