That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I could make wine with my vomit
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
