I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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