eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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