dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
