i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
