So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
