If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Enjoy the penises
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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