Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
